Expectations

I have come to realise that my anger always comes from frustrated expectations. From my tone, it's probably not difficult to guess that the night cycling i was so looking forward to and had so much high hopes for to help me sustain a few more wks, turned out to be disappointing. I'm typing this so soon cos i still have the gratitude and contrasting disappointment i felt last night fresh in my mind (and i'm waiting for the bathroom to get my shower before i hit the hay).

Firstly, WANZHEN! i'm so thankful that u braved all the jam and showed up in the end. I seriously have no idea how bad my blood would have boiled if u werent around. Hope you got to know the guys better and had a gd time.

My disappointment probably stem from how many invitations i've declined, the disproportionate anticipation and now the (realtime) incessant nagging i'm getting for not going for church. Perhaps i shouldnt place such high expectations on things in future, cos at the end of the day, it only upsets me terribly.
On the other hand, like what i always say, the best things/surprises are those that are least expected.
I think this expectation thing probably affects me in many other ways too. I've always expected the best of myself and then do what is necessary to make it a reality. I still rmbr how i learnt to cycle all by myself in K1. I gave myself 3 days, and 3 days it was that i took to show my parents they didnt have to teach me! Times when i dont meet my little goal stimes leave me unhappy with myself and oftenin retrospect, i'd ask if it was worth it.
Recently, i'm constantly haunted by the thought of my 21st bday being arugably my worst bday my whole life cos it was on the eve of MicroB test, i didnt plan anything and till this very day, i have yet to meet some of the people that are dearest to me and from whom i want my bday blessings from. SIGH. Matt, Qiantai, Yheng, Jay etc you all fall into this category. It doesnt help when i'm so busy (hmm.. maybe starting tuition was a bad idea huh?) that i havent been able to meet up.
Back to the expectations thing, 21st bday would just be another bday if not for the unceasing qns like "so what did u do for ur 21st?", "U're going to let ur 21st go by like that?" I used to have the ability to not conform to the usual thinking, but being questioned so frequently and invited to big gatherings a few times a wk (at least for the past wk) i think i'm having trouble "rebooting" my thinking as often. If only there was no such expectation of 21st to be a big celebration.

I'm always aware that the sole person that can anger me the most is myself. Some people say it sounds like the saddest and most unfortunate thing. But i'd say it's gd to have a high tolerance for everyone but urself. I believe that i can at least control my actions and the outcome of them to prevent a "disappointment attack" but u cannot decide how others should behave. I also believe that such framework of expectation for myself also keeps myself in check and not let others affect me too much. Do you think i'm being too hard on myself??

I think the statement of the sole person who can anger me is myself hasnt been true lately. I find that when especially when i'm tired, i tend to let my guards down and actually feel infuriated by some of the things people do. Behaviours such as being irresponsible, inconsiderate and dishonest are amongst the things that anger me.

Ok, enough of typing. I wanted my page to be filled with the happiest things in my life but i've already made a few exception to some truthful posts lately.

Besides, i want my shower.

No time!

If only i know 分身法术, otherwise i cannot be present at every invitation i get. *GASP* I need time for myself too!

Hoping for...

I'm really hoping for an exciting and happy-fying weekend. I think my Friday really spoilt my week thus far cos it was a long 5pm day (with no proper breaks too!), i was stuck on the road in a manual car for 1.5 hrs cos of rain/jam, my student was also stuck in he jam and tuition started late and naturally ended late also, i missed my rgspb gathering and i was dead tired by the time i was home.

On the bright side, maybe i could tell myself that
(1)The weekend is here!
(2)Night cycling tonight!
(3)1.5 hr jam in a manual car improved my clutch control
(4)RGSPB friends were at menotti, which i've been there for 2x this wk
(5)Had the first CG OUTING!(yeah!)
(6)Surprised wanzhen
(7)Baked sth
(8)Got a pair of new retainers

I better internalise the above mentioned list cos i'm still feeling very sian...

Some photo updates...

Jay's bday present. I should think of new things to make/bake people for their bday or they're just going to get bored... Hope she liked the italian truffles made with a hint of orange flavour.


Bake of the week! i tried out this interesting friendship of chocolate & cheese in a loaf, and it turned out not bad. Kendrick wants some walnuts in it next time, while some medics like kristy want chocolate chips. Mental note made.


Interesting cross section of the chocolate & cheddar cheese loaf:)

On an interesting note, i just want to add that i finally understand how "difficult" a situation it is to be living from "paycheque to paycheque". I was just thinking that i should be happy on my payday like i was when i worked at NCC, but with the expenditure of this wk alone, i'm already in deficit. I know i shouldnt let money issues upset me cos money can be earned again, but it always happens because, in the moment of transaction, i'd always feel that the expenditure is worth every cent, but in retrospect, this feeling can be forgotten.

Sigh, wenyang, if u're reading this, i really pei fu you. Have u recovered from your europe trip?

Do you have an expensive hobby? Sometimes i feel that baking and ice cream making can be potentially costly if i choose to use the very best ingredients. But i'd ask myself, is it worth it? Can people even tell the difference?
Also, being an inquisitive and adventurous person, i always like to try the more exotic recipes. Albeit expensive ingredients, i get to learn the making of blueberry muffin for example, at the end of the day, unfortunately, i'm not happy with my muffins cos the blueberries i used, i believe, will never be as juicy, fresh or sweet as those that exist in the country of the publisher.
So is it worth it afterall?

Fortunately it is the process i enjoy the most. If people like what i make, it's really a bonus. Y'know surprisingly, i do not have the impt quality of a gd cook/baker/confectioner etc. to discern what is the generally acceptable taste. My problem lies in how i dont really like my food to be too sweet and i have a liking for savoury food. This can be quite a disaster in cake baking and ice cream making, cos i sometimes do not know how much to tone the sweetness down.

As a rule of a thumb, i always tell my friends to first follow the recipe and then modify accordingly. Baking is very different from cooking. I always believe that A great cook may create dishes intuitively, almost casually, working with what’s in the refrigerator, tasting and correcting the work in progress.

Baking a cake on the other hand is culinary magic. Nowhere else in cooking is the transformation of few simple ingredients so profound and so appreciated. A great baker is attentive to technique, details and timing. Unable to taste, correct and create along the way, the baker is a stickler for measurements, insistent on proper pan sizes, and fussy about the temperature of everything from the oven to the butter. Because the same ingredients combined in different order, mixed differently, or even used at different temperatures results in quite different cakes (or failures), good bakers are dedicated to small things that produce beautiful cakes that taste heavenly.

Enough of blogging. I'm choking from a lot of things i want to say but cant really put in words...

I'm just hoping for a great weekend, Please.

cookies

I've been eating the cookies kendrick baked for my birthday and i must say they're quite good! Yumm..

slow metabolisers

Remember how Denise goh says she'll sleep the whole day when she takes cough syrup? the same thing is happening to me when i take anti-histamine for my allergy.
And the worst thing? I still feel tired despite all the sleep.

It doesnt help when i checked tt the drug penetrates the blood brain barrier. So the effects sets in rather quickly.

So i'm a slow metaboliser, BUT the doc still insists on me taking them.

Stimes i wonder why my immune system has been hyperactive. I seem to be allergic to apparently a lot of things considering the number of reactions but it could also be the same thing on all occasions which i still havent figured out what.

sigh!

Great weekend

Besides feeling quite accomplished after making the truffles for qiantai, many other things made the weekend special.

(1)Used the ice cream machine for the first time
(2)Made tiramisu ice cream
(3)My soy bean sprouts grew some pods!!!
(4)Qiantai's hilarious bday surprise & party
etc

I'm hoping to make tiramisu cake/dessert some day. The ingredients cost a lot actually, but when you taste the product, u'd think it's worth it.

The bad news is... i have so much pending work to do. Better start work soon :)

Complete

Exactly 1 week ago, i was having an awful time studying for mircrobiology on my bdae. While i thought this was going to be the worst day of my life, i was fortunate to have people who made a diffrence to it all!
Thanks to kendrick who surprised me with all these!

He baked a cake a cookies! How sweet :)


Thanks to Wenhui, wanzhen, gab, kristy, alvin, kahhua and jia cai we had a gd post-ca! Thanks for the cake and i hope you all enjoyed ur time at settlers :)


Clockwise: Swarovski butterfly handphone chain, 2 blue swarovski boxes, Kendrick's cake, Swarovski key and lock pendant :)
I never thought i will ever own any swarovski. Thanks guys :) I think the pendant is really pretty :) I like it a lot!!

I guess one of the biggest surprise this year is how my councillor yizhong actually rmbred my bday and bought me a box of prestat chocolate. I didnt even know he knew when my bday is! How true it is when people say the outcome is best when u least expect it :)

Last but not least, thanks europe trip people :) Especially to ryan, i like the card alot :)

Thank you everyone. I had a great bday!

efeu Schokolade

Y'know how some singers have albums of their own name, i can finally have a post of this blog name! Haa..
This is Qiantai's 21st Bday gift. Since i dont think he reads my blog and its even more impossible that he's awake now, it should be safe to post the pics.

I'm actally quite proud of it :)



This is the first time i feel that i really want to be a chocolatier. Though it's a lot of hard work, i find it kinda fun!


21 pieces in all!
If you look closely, you'll see where my inspiration for the chcolate designs come from ;)

Happy Birthday Qiantai!

Night Driving

I've come to realise i like driving at night a lot :)
Especially when i get to see the city at night on ECP or when i let the breeze in when i drive thru the tree-lined road near the airport.

p/s kendrick wants me to post that he's having pms

On Holiday?

I think what wenyang just told me is very cute... :)

We're all in Marktaylorland.
See you there!

Jack of all trades, Master of none

My flute that has turned so black :(

I spent my last few hours of 2006 in the kitchen making ice cream. That's how much i love working in the kitchen, but stimes i really doubt how good i can get when i spend proportionally less time there than people who truly love it too.
Xmas in my family is a lot about food. Church friends tradtionally come to my grandma's house every year to have their dinner before they set off to carol at other houses, so each year we spend the whole day cooking for about 40 people? I was thinking last xmas that as my grandma age, the each of us has a gradual growing responsibility. Not everyone welcomes the responsibility, but my mom is certainly quite enthusiastic about it. Isn't it unbelievable that my mom already knows what she plans to cook for xmas this year? Anyway, i was reminded again how pro my grandma is last xmas. I even took a video of her with her chopper and it's amazing how the video couldnt keep up with her speed and was out of sync with the sound recording. She's damn fast and precise! Makes me wonder how long she took to master that skill.
Y'know, i'm constantly reminded of the fact that i'm jack of all trades, master of none. It may not be so bad if i think that my knowledge in a bit of everything allows me to appreciate the skill / genre of art. But it is sometimes painful when i sit before the piano or hold up my flute to realise tt i always play the same pieces. Why do i not improve? Why am i not putting in effort?
Sometimes i comfort myself that i'm still searching for the talent i'm truly born with... something i can do effortlessly.
My recent favourites are baking, ice-cream making and photography. But this time i feel that i enjoy the process much more and perhaps, they require less practice and there's less room for error.
I've always thought i have a trouble with my discipline to practise... It's like i really enjoy learning about the mathematical theory, i just dislike plain, rote practising. I embrace creativity, unpredictability and flexibility, in a way these keep me interested.
The process of learning is just amazing. It links the gap between the unknown and the known and this interests me.
While typing this post, i realise that it could be my plain laziness that's stopping me from overcoming my inertia to practise. Either that or i constantly need to be interested or i want to see the outcome of my input quickly.
U realise？ The outcome of baking and photography is unpredictable. When i send a cake mixture into the oven or when i snap a picture, i do not know how it'll turn out? All i need is to wait for the oven to "DING" or to load the pic on my com to check...

2007, I hope to know myself better, spend more time on things i really like and become better at them :)

Mental note for myself: 记得要拿得起放得下