I have come to realise that my anger always comes from frustrated expectations. From my tone, it's probably not difficult to guess that the night cycling i was so looking forward to and had so much high hopes for to help me sustain a few more wks, turned out to be disappointing. I'm typing this so soon cos i still have the gratitude and contrasting disappointment i felt last night fresh in my mind (and i'm waiting for the bathroom to get my shower before i hit the hay).
Firstly, WANZHEN! i'm so thankful that u braved all the jam and showed up in the end. I seriously have no idea how bad my blood would have boiled if u werent around. Hope you got to know the guys better and had a gd time.
My disappointment probably stem from how many invitations i've declined, the disproportionate anticipation and now the (realtime) incessant nagging i'm getting for not going for church. Perhaps i shouldnt place such high expectations on things in future, cos at the end of the day, it only upsets me terribly.
On the other hand, like what i always say, the best things/surprises are those that are least expected.
I think this expectation thing probably affects me in many other ways too. I've always expected the best of myself and then do what is necessary to make it a reality. I still rmbr how i learnt to cycle all by myself in K1. I gave myself 3 days, and 3 days it was that i took to show my parents they didnt have to teach me! Times when i dont meet my little goal stimes leave me unhappy with myself and oftenin retrospect, i'd ask if it was worth it.
Recently, i'm constantly haunted by the thought of my 21st bday being arugably my worst bday my whole life cos it was on the eve of MicroB test, i didnt plan anything and till this very day, i have yet to meet some of the people that are dearest to me and from whom i want my bday blessings from. SIGH. Matt, Qiantai, Yheng, Jay etc you all fall into this category. It doesnt help when i'm so busy (hmm.. maybe starting tuition was a bad idea huh?) that i havent been able to meet up.
Back to the expectations thing, 21st bday would just be another bday if not for the unceasing qns like "so what did u do for ur 21st?", "U're going to let ur 21st go by like that?" I used to have the ability to not conform to the usual thinking, but being questioned so frequently and invited to big gatherings a few times a wk (at least for the past wk) i think i'm having trouble "rebooting" my thinking as often. If only there was no such expectation of 21st to be a big celebration.
I'm always aware that the sole person that can anger me the most is myself. Some people say it sounds like the saddest and most unfortunate thing. But i'd say it's gd to have a high tolerance for everyone but urself. I believe that i can at least control my actions and the outcome of them to prevent a "disappointment attack" but u cannot decide how others should behave. I also believe that such framework of expectation for myself also keeps myself in check and not let others affect me too much. Do you think i'm being too hard on myself??
I think the statement of the sole person who can anger me is myself hasnt been true lately. I find that when especially when i'm tired, i tend to let my guards down and actually feel infuriated by some of the things people do. Behaviours such as being irresponsible, inconsiderate and dishonest are amongst the things that anger me.
Ok, enough of typing. I wanted my page to be filled with the happiest things in my life but i've already made a few exception to some truthful posts lately.
Besides, i want my shower.
